Temprement
It's just gone half eight, and I'm already starting to feel like marinated shit. Peaches seems so tempremental all the time. I was out smoking with Scott, when she appears, takes a dig at my shirt, what I'm saying, and just walks out with me with some heir of superiority. I'd criticise it - or at least, I was going to, until I realised it's more or less the way I treated Sam when I just got bored. I didn't do it humanely, nicely, I just stopped caring, and left her in a helplessly irreprable situation. She couldn't talk to me about it, because I'd just go off on one. I was a bastard - But I think I'd do it again. When people are lower than you, and you know you can control them, maybe that's just how you act by default.
I feel like the only nerd in the library right now. Everyone's pissed off to persue something more interesting. And that's when it hits me on the bus - all through my life I've been striving to be this calm mellow cool guy, this blazé guy that can sort any situation out, that gets on well with almost everyone. And suddenly I realise that the more I try to be him, the more alien it feels. Who is Alex? Alex is paranoid, Alex is ugly, Alex looks like a hippy, Alex has a voice like a 1920's toff pilot, Alex can't accomplish anything, Alex will die unhappy. Oh woe is me. And it seems even more pathetic to write about it here, rather than to just deal with it like the rest of the world. If she gets bored of me, I'll understand. Fuck - I've been bored of myself for 16 years. Why do I never criticise her. Why do I never mock or insult her, why do I never make her feel like shit. Maybe if I did; she'd show more respect. How can you not be respected, and yet loved. Hm - well yeah. I haven't got the energy to sort it out. Anything I do will probably be wrong. I've never been a romantic terrorist, and I never will be. Not now. Not ever. "You don't love me - so you should suffer!". Hey - it's not their fault. Just because you feel personally insulted doesn't make it a universal crime. That's the mistake that everyone makes. Hating those that break up with them. When you get that intimate, that close to someone, of course you're going to feel destroyed if you break up, but I wouldn't hold a grudge. It's not a compassionate choice, it's just who I am.
Just who I am.
Who am I?
I feel like the only nerd in the library right now. Everyone's pissed off to persue something more interesting. And that's when it hits me on the bus - all through my life I've been striving to be this calm mellow cool guy, this blazé guy that can sort any situation out, that gets on well with almost everyone. And suddenly I realise that the more I try to be him, the more alien it feels. Who is Alex? Alex is paranoid, Alex is ugly, Alex looks like a hippy, Alex has a voice like a 1920's toff pilot, Alex can't accomplish anything, Alex will die unhappy. Oh woe is me. And it seems even more pathetic to write about it here, rather than to just deal with it like the rest of the world. If she gets bored of me, I'll understand. Fuck - I've been bored of myself for 16 years. Why do I never criticise her. Why do I never mock or insult her, why do I never make her feel like shit. Maybe if I did; she'd show more respect. How can you not be respected, and yet loved. Hm - well yeah. I haven't got the energy to sort it out. Anything I do will probably be wrong. I've never been a romantic terrorist, and I never will be. Not now. Not ever. "You don't love me - so you should suffer!". Hey - it's not their fault. Just because you feel personally insulted doesn't make it a universal crime. That's the mistake that everyone makes. Hating those that break up with them. When you get that intimate, that close to someone, of course you're going to feel destroyed if you break up, but I wouldn't hold a grudge. It's not a compassionate choice, it's just who I am.
Just who I am.
Who am I?
posted by Redshift at 12:39 AM
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